day tripper,
I actually read this before the edits were made, but somehow never got around to critiquing it. Well, no time like the present to change that, aye?
Quote:
“Oh, stop it!” She scolded as she brought me closer to hell.
“She” in minors. And “she (…) as she (…)” - that does sound a bit awkward, doesn’t it?
Quote:
My mother was a nightmare.
Nice.
Quote:
I’d look just like my father: a man.
‘kay, I’m guessing that is nothing to be thankful about, and yet above you have the exact same expression, but followed by a tad different explanation to it. Perhaps split the paragraph here, and emphasize that perhaps it wasn’t always that good?
Quote:
Anyways, here I am clad in sweatpants and a dance t-shirt.
“Clad” just doesn’t fit. Simply “wearing” would be fine.
Quote:
“Stop doing that, Marchetta, it’s very un-lady-like.”
That dialogue sentence should have a separate paragraph for itself. Add a tag if you wish, but separated it must be; no need to hide behind Marchetta’s description
Quote:
Carrollton was boring and fogy, it was isolated in the mountains.
Run-on.
Quote:
May I help you?” A lady asked on the other side of the counter.
That “a” should be in minors. But, it sounds awkward. Consider: “a lady from behind the counter asked.” (or something along those lines)
Quote:
“I’m here to drop off my daughter, Marchetta LeeAnne.” My mother told the receptionist.
Comma before the quote, and “my” in minors.
Quote:
I rolled my eyes and sighed, this was terrible.
Run-on. Add a hyphen or perhaps rephrase.
Quote:
So, we all snuck out and walked around town, it was so liberating.
Run-on.
Quote:
“Marchetta? Would you like to say good bye to your mother before she leaves?” The receptionist asked.
Minor “the”.
Quote:
Where on earth did you get those horrible cloths?”
Cloths? Or clothes? And why in the world would she asking about that now? I mean, I know that was, probably, an apt description of their relationship, but I don’t think it matches the situation. Wouldn’t the mother ask that question when she first saw her?
Okay, line-by-line crit done, let’s move on to impressions.
CAREFUL, CAREFUL…
-> The paragraph where the mother is described. Technically, it’s everything is fine, but you’re a good writer and can rephrase a few sentences, so there wouldn’t be such a lot of “she this, she that”.
-> The fourth from the end paragraph, or the chunk that acts as a paragraph. That long one. It can, and should, be split.
-> Dialogue punctuation. You have to work on that - on Snoink’s site there’s a section in which it’s wonderfully explained.
FANTASTIC!
-> The MC. Her, I loved.
-> Plot. Got me interested, and that is very good. I’m very interested how this’ll turn out.
-> Generally enjoyable. It flowed really well, and was a fast read; I can’t really find any other flaws than the already mentions.
Cheers,
Esme
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Reviews: 571
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